Better Days

So on Tuesday night, as feared, I put my dog to rest. It was easier then I thought, as he had slipped into a daze before I got home. I'm not even sure he was aware of what was going on around him or even knew I was saying good bye. It didn't really hit me until later that night and the next day. I cried... yes I'm enough of a man to admit that. I cried and cried because my best friend was gone. Today is better, I'm in a reasonably good mood. Looking forward to going home and trying out my new surround sound system.

I haven't felt like writing much. It comes often in starts and fits, and I'm not sure why.

???

I hate titles. I always have. They just never seem to sum things up quite right. Today is not very good. I'm not feeling great - my stomach is a bit iffy. My dog is really not doing well. He can't keep anything down and he is not really digesting anything that does go down. I'm pretty sure its time to say goodbye. I really hate this... and the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I'm too sensitive and chicken shit to be in the room when they do it... I can't... I would seriously have nightmares of that forever. At least my dog Loves my vet.... he's like his favorite person next to me and Amy.

Betrayal

Heart of Sorrow

Heart of Pain

Burned and broken

torn in 'twain

Rapturous Red and

Black as night

Fear and loathing

No end in Sight

One last kindness

not truly earned

Tears of Love

Reignite Hopes Burn

A mirror broken

reality skewed

in bits and pieces

truth comes into view

Jagged and Ragged

Truer then most

shards tell the picture

and beat back the ghosts

A future uncertain

filled with regret

the mold lay broken

no pattern is set

Tears of Forgiveness

Guide my way

Forward and On

Day after Day.

Tick Tock...

Time is never on our side. No matter what we do it slips away from us and before you know it little remains. 2 years ago my dog was diagnosed with a form of canine lymphoma. There is no real treatment. My vet, a very competent and kind man told me that based on his lab results my dog had about 2 weeks to live. It was a terrible few weeks, but in the end he persevered. It has no been 2 years, and it seems that time has finally caught up with him. He has stopped eating, stopped taking walks with me, stopped taking his meds, he just lays around, looking miserable. We are taking him into the vet tomorrow night, and I'm afraid that he will come to the same conclusion we have, that it is time to let him go.

I'm very conflicted about this. While I hate to have to put him down, in the end I know it is best for all of us. He has been a great companion, but has cost me a great deal (most notably my financial stability and emotional exhaustion), so I can't say that in the end it won't be a relief. I've never given so much to one animal. Even without lifesaving treatments, he has cost me over $400 a month in dog walker fees, food and medical expenses, as well as all of the blood work we have had to do to stabilize his meds. I have given up my vacations for the last 2 years, as well as made many other adjustments to my lifestyle so he could be comfortable. Is it wrong to want to see all of this end?

I look in my heart and know that I should feel no guilt for wanting to see him pass on comfortably, to not want him to suffer needlessly, but it still hurts and I still feel bad for wanting this all to finally be over...

Everything has a Beginning...

Small or large, dramatic or subtle, all things must begin somewhere. I personally favor "in media res" Latin for "in the middle of things" a device utilized in literature both classic and contemporary.

In media res, because that is what we all experience when we wake, our lives have already begun, and lets face us very few of us can look in the mirror and recall with exquisite detail how we became the person looking back at us. I know personally, the best I can usually muster is a cloudy convolution of images, feelings, and fears. Sadly fear has always been a very constant companion in my life. But we will get to that much later.

So this morning, when I looked in the mirror, I saw that I was 30. Very much in love. Slightly less broke then I was 6 months ago, and slightly less crazy then I was 2 years ago. So all in all, not too bad.

I sit now at work, waiting for my next client, and things are well. But they weren't always like this. In fact, this is actually a very new experience for me. So this blog, the first I've ever attempted is here to chronicle my story, in all its gory details, because while I know at heart that I am a very good man, my actions of the past are far from exemplary.

So let us begin, in media res...